Anxiety and the Giant Dipper

I recently spoke to someone who pointed out something very interesting about anxiety and excitement. She had me conjure up each sensation, and compare the visceral, physical feelings that they created. Interestingly enough, they were nearly identical. Each subtly sped up my heartbeat and my breath; each created a tightening in my belly.

As someone somewhat prone to anxiety and stress, noting these similarities has been useful in that it allows me to perform a transference of stress and worry into excitement. As my trip approaches, my mind is intermittently flooded with all the looming unknowns I’m scheduled to face, but with some conscious effort, I’ve been able to turn these fears into anticipation. The unknown is what keeps life interesting; leaving for Spain is a choice based on my desire to experience the unknown, to challenge myself and embrace upheaval, unpredictability and change.

As the days pass and my departure approaches, I’m reminded of a rollercoaster. (Specifically, the Giant Dipper at the Santa Cruz Boardwalk, which I’ve been riding a lot lately.) 

The most terrifying part of a rollercoaster is the slow, painstaking ascent. The ride creaks up, foot by foot, and as you approach the top, and look out at all the people milling about with both feet safely planted on the ground, you begin to wonder if you’re insane, why you’d ever boarded the ride in the first place, and, of course, if you’re going to die. But once you take the plunge, the adrenaline rushes through your veins, and you’re swept along in a whirlwind of exhilaration that leaves you wind-tousled and energized. (And, if you remembered that the camera is on the second drop to the left, you’ll have posed for a ridiculous photograph.) 

Goofy and cliché as this metaphor is, it’s been useful. Every now and then, I wonder if I’m insane, why on Earth I’ve signed up to fly away from everything and everyone I know, and why I think I’m capable of taking classes in Spanish when school is challenging enough in English, but ultimately, I know this is just that nerve-racking ascent and eventually I’ll be plunging headlong into an amazing adventure that will make it worth my while.